Friday, April 29, 2011

Rock Bottom - The Best Place for a Ladder

I started writing this from the bathtub, in the middle of a gallstone attack. The Oxy finally starting to kick in. So keeping the possible drug-induced slant this post might have in mind...

I am very grateful for everything in my life. From my blessings to my burdens. But despite my gratitude, I am also quite unhappy with a few aspects of myself. I have let my health spiral completely out of control. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I am chronically tired and I don't feel good about how I look. I fought so hard to get the chance to be here, had surgeries to get back the breast I lost, and I am throwing it all away. 

This is not me. I am not this person. 

I stay away from crowds because of my size. I am depriving myself of living life, the very thing I struggled so hard for. The thing I prayed for. The thing I was insanely lucky to get. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. 

So now that I am done whining about it, there's nothing left to do but change. Little things at first, this week, I am committing to drinking 8 glasses of water a day. And even though this will be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, I am going to post my weight every Friday. Although no one reads this, it's a bit of accountability for me, and maybe what I need to keep myself in line. 

In 2005, I lost 35 pounds with Weight Watchers, it really worked for me at the time, but now I really want to make a permanent change to my life, something I'll be proud to teach my sons. 

I do have a plan for the coming months, every week I'll be adding a new element to my new lifestyle. Baby steps.

So BANG! We're off!
Week 0 - 29.04.2011

Wow, I knew it was bad, but this is scary. So according to Health Canada, my BMI is 36.2, which puts me in Obese Class 2, with a very high risk of developing health problems.

I can't bring myself to take a picture of my actual body... so here's my body, according to My Virtual Model

I actually own this exact swimsuit, in this exact color.
      I am mortified but also very motivated. 

Here's to Week 1!